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Author Topic: Confused about arousal of his cheating  (Read 159 times)

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« on: June 02, 2016, 10:21:59 AM »

I've been separated from my abusive husband for about 10 months now and waiting for our divorce to come through any day now. We were married for approximately 14 months. The end of the marriage was based around my pelvic dysfunction(vaginismus) that i had trouble recovering from. I was also unable to find a job in the year that we were married(i moved to be with him) so he said he was tired of my dependence. He had an affair with his student while i was visiting my folks and told me she was hotter and more independent. That he was bored in our relationship and that he was losing hope in my recovery.

All of that is fine. I have accepted those reasons and moved on. I am quite self-assured and know that communication and not resorting to an affair is the right way to behave in this scenario and my temporary unemployment and health issues are not responsible for my marriage failing. That has to do with the lack of integrity and respect my spouse had for me and the sanctity of our marriage. I do not believe he has ever loved another person and it is apparent now in the way he has treated his family and past girlfriends, when he grew tired of them.

The problem i am now having surround my sexual arousal and the negative triggers surrounding it. I am mostly cured of my condition(vaginismus) but i do not want to date for the next few years as i focus on my career and my mental health. Anyway, i sometimes find that the imagined details of my spouse's infidelity turn me on. At first i thought this was my mind's way of taking control of a situation that violated me and seeking pleasure from it in order to "tame" and normalize the threatening event. I am unsure now because it has kept reappearing and i am not aroused by other "cheating spouse erotica" or cuckold porn and find the idea distasteful in my regular hours. Am i a masochist for adding these painful details into my private time for my own sexual pleasure? Do i find pleasure in hurting myself because i believe i am not worthy of fidelity and trust and love? Is sex a form of violence that i have now fetishized with infidelity?

To be clear, i do not find the idea of cheating spouses arousing at all. It fills my stomach with dread and pain. However, i am sickly finding his particular cheating arousing. What is wrong with my mind? Why am i doing this? Am i trying to own the pain and turn the betrayal and violation into a normalizing experience through my sexuality? Am i making this trauma safer by taking power and control over it? Please help me.

I have accepted my spouse's decisions and actions and have a therapist. I am working up the courage to discuss this with her and wanted a few opinions on what could be going on here.
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